After being back in each other’s lives for 7 years and his drinking had escalated to about 26 oz. of rye a day I found myself in shock as I was identifying that the sharp slash that I was feeling on my lower shin just came from the man who had being trying to convince me for years that he still loved me and wanted me to be with him for the rest of his life. He kicked me. Like a ninja kick. Three months later you can still see where he kicked me.

In retrospect, I had been trying to get him to admit that it wasn’t love that he had for me. I had been trying for 4 years to teach him that love is an action word. He needed me to help maintain his world which by now was getting crazy and he identified that maintenance as love. He would come home from work and within the first hour had socked back between 3-5 ounces of whiskey. After that he was well on his way to being Drunk Daniel. I loved sober Daniel but my love was conditional by this point.

When the condescending, negative, sloppy drunk entered the room my tolerance took the door out. That was a recipe for disaster. So, for the final month or two I was learning to take care of myself and would go to my room – even before dinner at times – and keep myself safe from his darkness. So, at this stage in this alcoholic’s life he would say things that he would have no memory of the next day. His body was only operating in the basics. I remember counting how many times he went to the bathroom in an evening and was concerned that if he had to go this often in the evening how could he operate a truck at his job through the day? Sex? Not for the past 5 years and never in a healthy state of being from the beginning of the 7 years.

I was scared to be without him as well. His income was three times as big as mine. I didn’t want to be lonely and now that I’m a senior I don’t expect that love will find it’s way to me very easily. And my eldest has come to know him – which was a connection only developed 27 years after we created this son. He knew of him all those years but was never a part of his life until our son asked to meet his biological father. And so I have often thought that I was staying with him to give my son his father.

So, the kick made the decision for us. Two days earlier he had a bout of rage and kicked something in the living room as I was in the kitchen making dinner and we were fighting over something ridiculous. It was a kick so hard that he said he kicked the toenail off of one of his toes. Did any of our fights have any depth – never – just proving again that when it’s over – it’s over. Walk away and avoid the shrapnel. But when he ripped the toenail off I made a declaration. “If you ever touch me in anger I will be going straight to the police!”

And so I did. By the end of the interview I answered the question posed by the policeman “do you have any questions for me?” “Yes, why did I come here?!” By now I knew that they would go and talk to Daniel and if he treated them with any degree of hostility or if he may have posed a further threat to me they would put him in jail for the night. Well, I don’t know which one he fulfilled but he was in jail that night. And he was allowed to come back to the house to pick up his belongings the next morning because he was going to be slapped with a restraining order.

I knew that he would be livid – LIVID to have constraints imposed on him and he was. He told our children that he never kicked me. He also told them that he now had a criminal record and it was all my fault. I gave a statement. Unlike the last province I lived in that was all I needed to do and then the police take over. And from what I now understand the crown prosecutor took it from there and he was later charged. And I’m grateful for the process here now. Because I am being defended. I so respect the police and the crown for their protection because he’s scared enough to keep away from me.

And because he has kept away from me my healing has begun. Not only has it begun but it’s like a snowball effect. I’m strong today – 3 months later. I competed for a promotion at work knowing that I would now be responsible for all the bills and keep up the payments on my own. And I won the position, the raise and especially the self-respect for declaring that I am worthy. So, I not only pay all the bills, I’m paying off some crazy credit card debt, going out to dinner with my friends who have been instrumental in supporting me and helping me see what a good and worthy woman I am.

If I want to buy myself a love gift – there’s money to do that too. I took back the responsibility of getting my taxes in order and have successfully completed two of the three years he had been dragging his feet to do. I’ve stood up to a bully landlady that decided to raise the rent 50% more than we had been paying. And I’ve had to direct my daughter and son with regards to how they’ve always witnessed me being abused but that now I will not tolerate that from them in any manner. They also can evolve to a higher place with my circumstances being their teacher.

My home is peaceful now. I listen to positive affirmations, meditative music, happy stories, healing antidotes, teaching audibles, rebuilding lessons, spiritual gurus. I have a system now that is so positive and I will fight to maintain it. I work hard. I’m acknowledged for my contributions. I come home tired. I sleep with a clear conscience. I’m grateful and I tell my God that several times a day. I go to a course on Cognitive Behavior Therapy that I was allowed to take because of the initial anxiety attacks and panic – both victim issues. Both avoidable with positive self-talk and self-development and determination to control my mind from it’s run away child-like insecurities.

I’m beautiful. No longer do I get messages about my inadequacies. I don’t have to run to my room to be safe any longer. I don’t cry a lot. My self confidence is returning and I even see myself sometimes as a warrior able to protect myself with help from my advocates. And I’d like to add my voice to the women who now know that there is a much brighter place to live and there is a strength that comes in the days, weeks and months following the escape. I really had no idea how insignificant his comments had led me to believe I was.

I’ve always wanted him to get some help with his alcoholism. I’d talked to a good friend who is an addictions counselor and he had stepped up a few times and had arranged for Daniel to get into some of the best detox and recovery centers in Saskatchewan but there was always an excuse for not going. This same addictions counselor has helped me to realize that perhaps Daniel was in the middle of a black out and his brain just didn’t register that he just kicked me. I’m working on a full forgiveness which comes easier with the passage of time. But the truth is – I never wish to see him again. Our world was so sick. I don’t want a reminder of how
dark we were one to the other. I wish him the same “very best” as I always have and truly – if even now he reached out for help with his disease I would ask my friends and family to avail that to him.

Someone loves me. I’m everything to this person and I’m trying to supply all that will bring her joy and happiness and comfort and truth about who she is every single day. She is me. And because the energy I spend on myself is bringing back the creation that was full of possibilities when I was a child I am free to explore who I was supposed to be in the first place. I thank the Creator daily for giving me back to me. And you – my sister – you are a wellspring of possibilities too. I would love to cheer you on to freeing the warrior-woman that is you.

You may have an army of help waiting to reach out to you that you don’t even know about. My army started to show themselves through a constable on the local RCMP force. And then the crown made a very clear statement that I will be defended. Shortly after that the army grew with Victim Services who has given me resources that I couldn’t have known about. Mental health has given me the Cognitive Behavior therapy course that helps me to address the issues in my own brain and being. And still more, my family cheer me on and are there for me when I have a day that is shaken with memories. My friends are there – 24/7 – and they let me know that. Helping me is an honor for them. I really believe that the world is on my side now.

Recently I found a couple of things on the internet that I now declare. The first is this:

“If you kick me when I’m down, you better pray I don’t get up.”

And:

When abusers and predators are exposed, the first action of enablers is to attempt to undermine the credibility of the victims and claim the victims speaking out are ruining the abuser’s “reputation.”

“No, abusers ruin their own reputation by doing what they do and being willing to harm someone for personal gratification. It says a lot about our victim-shaming society that we prioritize an abuser’s reputation over the well-being of their victims.”- Shadida Aribi. @selfcarewarrior

No longer a victim,
Your sister,
Sarah